I lived on ketchup as a kid.

Further, I was raised with the mentality ‘that food is meant to just keep you from starving’, the appreciation for food wasn’t instilled.

So, this whole discovery of myself has actually enabled me to discover food. To let myself slow down enough to enjoy the food. To really surrender to the whole experience!

Actually stopping. Chewing. Eating. Taking Pleasure In. Adoring. FOOD is something that I have NOT ever done before.

When my students made The Pioneer Woman’s macaroni and cheese the other day, I knew I couldn’t eat it cause it would upset my tummy. But the one bite I did have was amazing!

I didn’t just want to eat some blah pasta with sauce…I wanted something that I knew I’d enjoy! So I modified MamaPeas Recipe for Quinoa Lasagna with Mae’s Hummus Cheese, I can’t do soy as it calls from in MamaPea’s recipe.

Mama Peas recipe, minus Soy cheese, with swiss chard in each layer as well as hummus cheese.

Now the close up

It was SO tasty. I enjoyed every single bite. I have NO idea how many calories and/or points are into. I had a HUGE slice and it was fabulous. Not only was it healthy, but it was enjoyed.

So yes, I LOVE food and I am learning to ENJOY it as well.

Have you ever noticed how gorgeous beets are?

I sat and stared at one the other day!

Do you LOVE food, but find yourself not ENJOYING it?
What foods do you genuinely enjoy?

~Mish

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NO, you’re NOT going to go home and sulk. Go to the beach for a walk.

It’s a beautiful place, where I find pure serenity.

I mean seriously, it’s in the middle of winter and I was basking in the sun.

There has been a mental shift happening and learning to say NO has been one of those things. I am a type-A, go-getter, PEDAL to the METAL type of a girl. I go 100% all the time, rarely ask for help and totally sacrafice who I am to make sure that I am living up to other people’s standards.

I don’t always know how to say NO!

School is cranking up. My runs are cranking up. I skipped out on my run yesterday and stewed all-day long today about how guilty I felt for not running the 5 miles that I had planned. I got out of class and decided, NO I am NOT going to feel guilty anymore about this. My mind is chattering away but my legs have it in them to run it.

5 miles/ 46:54 / 4:1 intervals / under 10 min/miles

When I used to run, I would PUSH myself to run the amount scheduled even if I felt like I needed a walking break. I decided, NO, I will NOT push myself. If I need a walking break then I’ll take one.

Learning to say NO is an empowering sentiment, especially in the intuitive living. Saying NO, because you need rest or saying NO because ‘I can’t make it this weekend, I need to focus on certain things instead’ or saying NO because you won’t let your emotions take over.

For intuitive eating it’s NOT about saying NO to certain foods because they are ‘bad’ or they are rubber-banded or because you only have one ‘naughty day’ each week. It’s about saying NO, because you’re full content, aren’t going to eat your emotions, and/or are not going to mindlessly eat.

Yes, life is about saying NO. And learning how to use it to bring balance into your life.

When did you learn how to say NO?

~Mish

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This whole notion of ‘dealing with tempting food’ was brought about by this post.

Put ‘em away: Out of sight, out of mind. I enjoyed two muffins and then packed the rest away in Tupperware. I added two elastic bands as a visual reminder to stop eating them.

Followed by this photo

Now, let me tell you something…I have tried these tactics as well!

• Putting towels and tape over my mouth when baking
• Hiding food
• Putting notes on food
• Measuring EVERYTHING and putting it into bags with point labels on it
• POINT labeling EVERYTHING in my house
• Weighing egg yolks
• Brushing my teeth
• Chewing ice/gum
• Wearing, that’s right, a rubber band on my arm and snapping it every time I thought of something ‘naughty to eat’ to remind myself that I didn’t need it.

You name it. I was the QUEEN of distraction tactics. They worked sometimes, and others they only induced a larger binge. The point is that we have created so many tactics around our eating that we are missing the point: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE DAMN FOOD! (repeat) IT’S NOT ABOUT THE DAMN FOOD!

• It’s about WHY you think and/or feel that you need avoidance tactics.
• Why you would put rubber bands, notes, points on food to encourage moderation, avoidance and/or over-eating.

the WHY..is really the rubber band you should be snapping.

The more I think about these methods, the more I get annoyed and honestly sad. Perhaps it’s a huge shift in my mentality, but I just don’t feel like blaming, shutting out, controlling, rubber-banding my life away because of food. Instead I just want to keep asking myself why I feel like going into such measures.

More though: Do I want my kids to rubber-band/note-write on their food when they’re five, because they see that’s what Mom does?

What measures have you gone in your tactics to control your food intake?

~Mish

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It’s part of the cleansing of the dieiting brain. But, it’s true readers, my adoring fans, it’s true.

This psuedo-dieting uses things like:

• ‘good job on avoiding the cake’ or
• ‘you’re doing good today’ or
• ‘it’s ok you can start tomorrow’ or
• ‘it’s ok to shove your face full of food in front of the fridge’

Dieting. Dieting. Dieting. Dieting. Dieting.

When I think about all that I have come through, this psuedo-dieting crap has probably been the hardest thing that I am releasing. It’s my source of validation. It’s the comfort in not having to be ‘alone’ with myself. It gives me something to stress/worry/focus on….cause I haven’t ever been 100% comfortable with who I am.

Hell, I struggle sometimes with knowing who I am..because I haven’t ever fostered that before. (I am getting there)

But, the thought of dying and being on my death bed, dealing with this crap scares me. Cause I DON’T want to drag this shit any further than I have.

Sue had called on New Year’s Day 2002 in tears, she knew she was dying.

I listened for a long time; she went from crushed to defiant. “I have what everyone wants,” she said. “But no one would be willing to pay.”

“What do you have?”

“The two most important things. I got forced into loving myself. And I’m not afraid of dying anymore.”

~Phase B Further Thoughts On Faith “Falling Better” By: Anne Lammont

I thought to myself:

• Would it take an imminently premature death for me to stop the abusive cycles I am stuck in? -OR-
  
• Shall I start now?

~Mish

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It’s a circle. I was reflecting upon the place that I am in today…and yes..I have ROUGH moments..BUT I am learning something quite profound. It got me thinking about the thought patterns that keep playing in my head…it’s like a cycle that I can’t shake sometimes.

I have identified so MUCH with the cycle of dieting.

BUT, what I got to thinking about today was the idea of identify with the struggle of it all.

That ‘struggle’ becomes this constant reminder that we have ‘something else to work on’. It’s been very interesting and I think that even those of us who find ourselves in a better place, have to release the idea of ‘struggling’ to feel complete.

This is a comment by Katie on this post

I think the reason I struggle to live in the Journey State you’re talking about – and instead focus solely on the finish line – is because I’m constantly feeling unsatisfied, discontent, wanting MORE.

This comment made me think even more because of something that Mary tweeted today

It’s crazy. I have all these amazing things happening in my life but I keep catching myself criticzing/putting myself down. What the..?

You know what..I am NOT going to give you some ‘happy clappy’ advice. Because it’s more than that. It’s actually letting go of the struggle mentality. It’s so tiered, this process, and I can promise you that everyone goes through it differently.

For me I had to admit there was a problem, find great resources/people, get it out of my head, and paying attention to things that really have me frozen. It’s not easy peasy. It’s not one quote, or one person, or one event. It’s the faith, determination, awareness, patience to keep going.

But, when you’re on this road, or you’ve gotten and/or are getting to your Journey State, there’s a part for some of us who have to give up the idea that we have to be in a struggle.

Part of living is to realise that there will be struggles…but it’s not a struggle that needs to be lived.

Thoughts?

~Mish

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I am on this intuitive eating journey. It’s great. It’s weird. It’s hard. It’s not ANYTHING I’ve ever experienced before.

It demands that I listen, honour, nurture, and respect myself.

But how do I do that when I have never ever honored my hunger signals before? I’ve always honored my point signals, the time on a clock and/or the emotional voices in my head.

How do I eat when I am honestly hungry and stop when I am full….when I don’t really know what that feels like?

I am panicking a little learning not to panic as much, because when you start on this intuitive eating journey and you don’t know hunger signals…the idea of packing as much food in ’cause you can’ races through your mind. For me, in my mouth. Everything is ‘fair game’.

Or is it?

I do think that all food is fair game. But…..only if…..you listening to your body, honouring your health, eating for the right reasons, and stopping when you’re content.

Content and not full?

I have been walking around this weekend and eating healthy food. Chia seeds, rice milk, you name it. I have been on the healthy food bandwagon.

BUT…I am still eating til I am FULL and not content. I am pushing beyond what my body is saying. I am STILL kicking the dieting mental games. When you’re dieting, you want to feel full. Cause you may not have any more calories/points left unless you run/workout/promise tomorrow you’ll take some down to cover what you’ve eaten today.

I want to bulk up, because emotionally I need to feel full.

The point is, is that there’s a difference between being content and full. Being hungry and mentally needy. Being intuitive and giving endless permission.

But I am here to say…bring them on. I am ready. I will never go down the road I’ve always taken….it’s never gotten me to where I want to be.

~Mish

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This is a post that I have had floating around in my head. I have been thinking ‘how do I share this?’ because what happened to me was about one of the most profound and ‘AHA moments I’ve had in a long time’.

I have been reading through ‘Women, Food and God‘ by Geneen Roth. I have been hearing a lot about it in the blogging world. I really DID NOT like ‘Intuitive Eating‘ and I was hesitant to read this book. Was it going to be just another self-help book that did nothing?

I got to page 32

Combine the utter inefficacy of dieting with the lack of spiritual awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self-loathing women. We have become so obsessed with getting rid of our obsession, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose the pieces of ourselves waiting to be found again.

Then I stared, highlighted and bracket this sentence

But fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves.

Since I was little, I have been trying to be something better.

Better at school. A better kid. More polite. More active. More fit. Thinner. A better eater. The top of the class. The best girlfriend. The most loyal friend. Prettier.

My whole life, I have been in a state of trying to fix myself….so that I can be perfect. Namely in the eyes of the diet, men, or others that I am surrounded by. Most of this have been self-inflicted.

This realisation was one of the most powerful eruptions of emotions I have ever experienced, comparing to this. I sat on my bed, sobbing for 20 minutes. Grieving the fact that so much of my life, and even intense moments now, I have spent STRIVING to fix myself.

I let the snot drip out of my nose, the tears stream, my breathing become rapid…and then I sat in the shower sobbing for another 20 minutes. It was as if I had to admit that I didn’t see myself as whole. In fact, dieting and the subsequent years I have lived through, have done a VERY efficient job of separating who I am from my soul. Now I am compressing those who back together…which DEMANDS that I deal with the need to be perfect. To fix myself.

What I didn’t do is go to food.

What I did do is write on note cards all of the things which bring my JOY/PEACE/HAPPINESS.
What I did do is write down all of the things that I LOVE about myself.

They sit by my bed and I have looked through them every morning.

I am in a place where I am still stuck in the moments that demand that I ‘fix’ something about myself. But I am overcoming this notion with the thought that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! It’s profoundly scary, liberating, and powerful to take a step back and stop trying to fix yourself..and just love what you’ve got.

I know it sounds hooky, and almost simplistic. ‘Just love who you are’. But it’s not. And when you get to that moment where dieting, calorie counting, pant sizes, grades, your boss’ perception, parents approval, and/or your faith’s ‘must dos’ are not longer defining your personal worth….you will stop living your life in a constant state of fixing. Instead you’ll live your life for yourself and for LIVING. Letting go of other’s validation and approval for your own trust in yourself to know what you want….in my opinion is at the core of where I have struggled for so long.

~Mish

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Today has been a fantastic day. Went to microbiology lab and got to culture some of my hair so hopefully I’ll get to see some microbes growing next week. I am a closet HUGE nerd.

I came home and read this blog post from Jen@PriorFatGirl. I love this lady, but I got thinking about some of the things which she wrote.

The past six weeks, my eating has been off. I spend Monday-Thursday making up for the calorie consumption that takes place on Friday-Sunday. Doing things I’ve always said are not health. As in limiting, restricting and denying foods. Which also means limiting, restricting and denying a healthy relationship with food. Such a horrible cycle to be in.

1500: Wednesday to Monday, I will track everything I eat and make it my goal to eat 1500 calories. No more, no less. The goal here is to even things out and to get out of the cycle of spending my weekdays trying to makeup for what I did on the weekends.

I was thinking back to when I was going through a lot of emotional stuff: I went straight to constricting my caloric/point intake. I would set-up elaborate plans that would have twice daily working out, limited food intake and promises of not ‘wavering’ from my plan. Jen is actually increasing her caloric intake to 1,500 after speaking with her dietician. Kudos to her. But she’s demanding a five day a week, strict adherence to it…and it comes at time that is very emotionally sensitive to her right now.

It made me REALLY think about how we use food and/or calorie control to MANAGE our lives, especially when we have a lot of emotional shiznat going on. For me it was either binging on food to escape and/or trying to constrict my intake.

It’s evident in my life that the best laid plans…usually go WAY OFF..when used to DISTRACT ourselves from aspects of our lives. The immediate escape that eating and/or caloric stictness gives, doesn’t actually help deal with the emotional needs the world is demanding us to deal with.

I am not going to speak for Jen. However, it did make me think heaps about how I had used ‘starting NOW on a plan’ as a tool of masking the inevitable volcano of emotions I didn’t want to, didn’t know how to, and/or couldn’t be bothered dealing with.

When you’re emotionally weak or your life is crazy do you ‘go back on plan’ or totally off plan?
How do you deal with life without food/dieting?

~Mish

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I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and thrown off my axis:

• I am moving house, feeling a bit off-center and that kicks in HYPER-CRITICAL Michelle Mode.
• I wanted to shove my face in ice cream.
• I wanted to not go to the gym and pick apart everything I hated about my body.
• I dove into a small grave of pity after being invited to a cocktail party by entertaining, briefly, the sentiment of ‘if only I was thinner’.

But you know what..I’ve snapped out if it.

I have snapped out if it, because I realise that it’s the OLD MICHELLE talking. I have to be patient with my journey in being balanced and know that I may never truly find it..but I don’t have to succumb to old ways.

This quote from my Getting Fit, Not Thin post from Angela resonates so hardcore with me right now.

The only reason I ever used to exercise was to be thin.I didn’t really think about the health benefits or how the exercise was helping my mind, spirit, or insides. I only thought about how my body would look when I looked in the mirror. After I started learning about health and nutrition, my whole attitude changed. I started setting fitness goals and started to focus on what my body could do instead of how it looked.During this time, I also realized that I needed a lot of fuel to allow my body to do what it is capable of. There is no way I could have trained for a 10k, 10 miler, and 2 half marathons by starving myself or over-exercising. The body is capable of amazing things if we would only give it the love and care that it needs.

I am snapping back..damn it. I am.

~Mish

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