It’s part of the cleansing of the dieiting brain. But, it’s true readers, my adoring fans, it’s true.

This psuedo-dieting uses things like:

• ‘good job on avoiding the cake’ or
• ‘you’re doing good today’ or
• ‘it’s ok you can start tomorrow’ or
• ‘it’s ok to shove your face full of food in front of the fridge’

Dieting. Dieting. Dieting. Dieting. Dieting.

When I think about all that I have come through, this psuedo-dieting crap has probably been the hardest thing that I am releasing. It’s my source of validation. It’s the comfort in not having to be ‘alone’ with myself. It gives me something to stress/worry/focus on….cause I haven’t ever been 100% comfortable with who I am.

Hell, I struggle sometimes with knowing who I am..because I haven’t ever fostered that before. (I am getting there)

But, the thought of dying and being on my death bed, dealing with this crap scares me. Cause I DON’T want to drag this shit any further than I have.

Sue had called on New Year’s Day 2002 in tears, she knew she was dying.

I listened for a long time; she went from crushed to defiant. “I have what everyone wants,” she said. “But no one would be willing to pay.”

“What do you have?”

“The two most important things. I got forced into loving myself. And I’m not afraid of dying anymore.”

~Phase B Further Thoughts On Faith “Falling Better” By: Anne Lammont

I thought to myself:

• Would it take an imminently premature death for me to stop the abusive cycles I am stuck in? -OR-
  
• Shall I start now?

~Mish

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I feel like I on the the ledge of going back to WeightWatchers, Counting Calories….DIETING.

I don’t know what it is, but this whole intuitive eating thing is too f-ing hard. I just want someone to tell me how many calories to eat, how many points apples are, and how to lose weight.

I want to be skinny, thin, light, feel hot.

I am desperate to lose weight. I just want all of the inner-thigh fat to be gone, the muffin-top to disappear, my f-ing jeans that have been sitting in my closet for over 1 year not worn to fit again.

I want to feel pretty.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I know know KNOW that I don’t want to be dieting forever. To be counting points forever. To be ever think about binging forever.

So I come to a place, perhaps a bigger crossroad, where I really have to ask myself: “Are you going to honour you body and honestly be in tune with it –or– are you going to try and go back on a diet because you don’t trust yourself/don’t want to feel emotions/don’t think you can do it?”

What it really boils down to for me, is a comparison of what I ‘used’ to be (thinner) and what I am now (heavy–or so I feel). This mental state robs me of my amazing run this morning. It robs me of my beauty. It robs me of trusting myself. It robs me of all the progress that I’ve made. It robs me of my spirit.

I just had to write this out. I need encouragement people. I need you to tell me that I can. Because come hell or high water, I never want to sacrifice who I am again.

Thanks in Advance,
Mish

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This is a post that I have had floating around in my head. I have been thinking ‘how do I share this?’ because what happened to me was about one of the most profound and ‘AHA moments I’ve had in a long time’.

I have been reading through ‘Women, Food and God‘ by Geneen Roth. I have been hearing a lot about it in the blogging world. I really DID NOT like ‘Intuitive Eating‘ and I was hesitant to read this book. Was it going to be just another self-help book that did nothing?

I got to page 32

Combine the utter inefficacy of dieting with the lack of spiritual awareness and we have generations of mad, ravenous, self-loathing women. We have become so obsessed with getting rid of our obsession, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose the pieces of ourselves waiting to be found again.

Then I stared, highlighted and bracket this sentence

But fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves.

Since I was little, I have been trying to be something better.

Better at school. A better kid. More polite. More active. More fit. Thinner. A better eater. The top of the class. The best girlfriend. The most loyal friend. Prettier.

My whole life, I have been in a state of trying to fix myself….so that I can be perfect. Namely in the eyes of the diet, men, or others that I am surrounded by. Most of this have been self-inflicted.

This realisation was one of the most powerful eruptions of emotions I have ever experienced, comparing to this. I sat on my bed, sobbing for 20 minutes. Grieving the fact that so much of my life, and even intense moments now, I have spent STRIVING to fix myself.

I let the snot drip out of my nose, the tears stream, my breathing become rapid…and then I sat in the shower sobbing for another 20 minutes. It was as if I had to admit that I didn’t see myself as whole. In fact, dieting and the subsequent years I have lived through, have done a VERY efficient job of separating who I am from my soul. Now I am compressing those who back together…which DEMANDS that I deal with the need to be perfect. To fix myself.

What I didn’t do is go to food.

What I did do is write on note cards all of the things which bring my JOY/PEACE/HAPPINESS.
What I did do is write down all of the things that I LOVE about myself.

They sit by my bed and I have looked through them every morning.

I am in a place where I am still stuck in the moments that demand that I ‘fix’ something about myself. But I am overcoming this notion with the thought that I am ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! It’s profoundly scary, liberating, and powerful to take a step back and stop trying to fix yourself..and just love what you’ve got.

I know it sounds hooky, and almost simplistic. ‘Just love who you are’. But it’s not. And when you get to that moment where dieting, calorie counting, pant sizes, grades, your boss’ perception, parents approval, and/or your faith’s ‘must dos’ are not longer defining your personal worth….you will stop living your life in a constant state of fixing. Instead you’ll live your life for yourself and for LIVING. Letting go of other’s validation and approval for your own trust in yourself to know what you want….in my opinion is at the core of where I have struggled for so long.

~Mish

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I grabbed at the size I used to be, instead of the size that I am right now. Hoping that I’d fit into that size. Well, I could…but it wasn’t flattering. Then the negative tapes started.

Of course you’re not that size Michelle, you’re fat right now.
You REALLY need to start losing weight.
If you’re on this journey, you should actually get something accomplished.
See…intuitive eating doesn’t work…you need to start dieting again!

Man did this ever send me into a funk-o-sarus. I am getting better at snapping myself out of it, but my mood simmered throughout the afternoon. I consoled myself by making a pie. I only had a couple of bites and realised something profound after playing a game of Taboo with my students.

THEY DON’T CARE!!!

In the sense that they don’t care if I lose 10, 15, 20 lbs or gain that. What they care about is having someone around them that exudes confidence, spirit, fun, honesty, genuineness, and undivided attention. I wanted to cry and hug each and every one of them. I know that throughout my journey, especially my relationship, I was SOLELY defined by my weight/struggles/losing weight/dieting/talking about it.

I wasn’t Michelle.
I was Michelle the dieter.

The world doesn’t need another diet-obsessed person.
The world needs another live-in-the-moment-shinning person.

To my kids…thank you for reminding me that I have the strength and ability to harness my whole-self.

Ever defined yourself by one aspect of your life?

~Mish

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Today has been a fantastic day. Went to microbiology lab and got to culture some of my hair so hopefully I’ll get to see some microbes growing next week. I am a closet HUGE nerd.

I came home and read this blog post from Jen@PriorFatGirl. I love this lady, but I got thinking about some of the things which she wrote.

The past six weeks, my eating has been off. I spend Monday-Thursday making up for the calorie consumption that takes place on Friday-Sunday. Doing things I’ve always said are not health. As in limiting, restricting and denying foods. Which also means limiting, restricting and denying a healthy relationship with food. Such a horrible cycle to be in.

1500: Wednesday to Monday, I will track everything I eat and make it my goal to eat 1500 calories. No more, no less. The goal here is to even things out and to get out of the cycle of spending my weekdays trying to makeup for what I did on the weekends.

I was thinking back to when I was going through a lot of emotional stuff: I went straight to constricting my caloric/point intake. I would set-up elaborate plans that would have twice daily working out, limited food intake and promises of not ‘wavering’ from my plan. Jen is actually increasing her caloric intake to 1,500 after speaking with her dietician. Kudos to her. But she’s demanding a five day a week, strict adherence to it…and it comes at time that is very emotionally sensitive to her right now.

It made me REALLY think about how we use food and/or calorie control to MANAGE our lives, especially when we have a lot of emotional shiznat going on. For me it was either binging on food to escape and/or trying to constrict my intake.

It’s evident in my life that the best laid plans…usually go WAY OFF..when used to DISTRACT ourselves from aspects of our lives. The immediate escape that eating and/or caloric stictness gives, doesn’t actually help deal with the emotional needs the world is demanding us to deal with.

I am not going to speak for Jen. However, it did make me think heaps about how I had used ‘starting NOW on a plan’ as a tool of masking the inevitable volcano of emotions I didn’t want to, didn’t know how to, and/or couldn’t be bothered dealing with.

When you’re emotionally weak or your life is crazy do you ‘go back on plan’ or totally off plan?
How do you deal with life without food/dieting?

~Mish

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Who doesn’t love a double scoop of gelato (passion fruit/blood orange)

This whole excursion got me thinking about what had happened earlier this morning. I have been totally taken back by this post by Alan. His words resonated with me and have sparked me thinking all weekend.

Have you ever asked yourself the question, “What are you waiting for?”   I have asked myself this question for most of my life.

I have had a bit of a ‘validating need’ type of a relationship with the scale lately. If I am going to let go of dieting can I actually lose the weight that I want? Then I stood there naked and looked at my clothes.

If I was able to get into those jeans again
If I was able to be at 168lbs again
If I was in a relationship again
If I was able to look like I did again
If I was able to stick to a healthy diet again

……..I WOULDN’T BE HAPPY!

I am looking at the end ‘goal’ and forgetting the most important part…the journey. If I choose to equate my happiness solely with a goal weight, a size of jean, or exercising every single day…then I am forgetting about nurturing my spirit along the way. I did that once. I got to 168lbs and I was f-ing miserable.

I had a choice this morning…to let a number rob me of the journey or recognise it as something that isn’t as important as waking up every morning with a smile on my face…cause no matter what I am harnessing my spirit.

I don’t know why I haven’t embraced that before. Why I have shied away from loving myself right now in this very moment. Why I kept thinking that I wouldn’t find someone til I was thin. Why I let the scale ruin so many days. Why I punished myself with exercise. Why I let my spirit die.

But I can tell you something…I am so looking forward to just embracing my body, my mind, my spirit.

I don’t know what to tell you except the end goals in life, if you’re not satisfied on the way, will not bring what you’re hoping for. So I urge you to stop trying to tick boxes as a way to bring you what you’re wanting…instead go skip down the street on the way to your final goal of becoming what you’ve always wanted to be.

Ever accomplished a goal, to be left unsatisfied? why?
Ever accomplished a goal and left satisfied? why?

~Mish

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How often to you rededicate yourself to a healthy life?
What “gators” are you wrestling with right now?

I have ALWAYS looked at exercising as a WEIGHT LOSS tool. (it is, I get that).

The SummerShapeUp was started because

• I wanted to lose weight.
• I wanted to get to a certain number on the scale.
• I want to get into the jeans I wore two years ago on my birthday.
• I even dropped my calorie intake down to 1,500 calories and tracked on my iphone.

None of the reasons I had when I started the SummerShapeUp were because I wanted to feel good about exercise, or that it adds to my life, or that I ENJOYED it. It was all about getting ‘thin’…and fit…but mainly thin. (I know, I know, just being honest)

When thinking about Tricia’s post, I knew that my ‘gator’ is not wanting to exercise, because I feel like I HAVE to….to lose weight. That’s has been my sole motivator. Exercise and I have to re-work ourselves.

What if I went to the gym:

• because it made me feel good
• I WANTED to work out because I didn’t see it as a HAVE to, instead a LOVE to
• I look hot in my ass pants
• my arms are starting to show definition
• it’s good for my heart, soul, mind

Much of the journey to balance in our lives with food/exercise/faith is finding the place where we just live with what we want. Some days it’s yoga, some days it’s HIIT, some days it’s a workout class, some days it’s under a blanket sleeping. Instead of thinking of exercise as a weight loss tool, I am on a mission to wrangle my ‘gator’ by re-working exercise as a means to find balance, increasing my mood and re-shaping my body.

Obsessing about losing weight has gotten me to where I am right now. 30lbs heavier than I want to be….for two years. Life is more than working out to lose weight, eating to count calories, and restricting yourself…this is what I am learning.

So, Tricia, thanks for writing your post. I am off to re-wire my brain on the treadmill, because I like the way my ass feels when it’s tight and the way my heart pounds when I push myself.

How do you view exercise? What motivates you to workout? Have you struggled with exercise?

~Mish

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~Mish

————

When I was twelve I was five foot, eleven inches and one quarter. I was the tallest person in the school excluding only one male teacher, and I kicked the boys’ butts in basketball every recess. I really did. I have their names if you want them.

When I was almost 14 my picture was taken for Jr. High graduation. I’ve obviously gained a significant amount of weight. My parents were having the rockiest time in their marriage. But I attributed it at the time to being finished growing and my metabolism changing young.

I lost weight at fifteen through exercise and no second helpings. I was a kid, so I kept it simple. I did cardio for 30 minutes 5 times a week before anyone else woke up. To really see results I cut out sugar. I had no real concept of how I looked. My body image was fairly positive, I just knew I was overweight. I easily maintained the same pants size (my parents had no scale) until my first year of college when I gained the freshmen 25 pounds. Or a pants size in my case.

After my first year of college I broke up with my first love. I was philosophically and rationally correct to do doing so. But I was completely heartbroken. I was at my lowest weight in this picture, and this is the first time I remember a weight. 155. I ran 6 miles a day three times a week and 3 miles two to three other days. I also walked a lot to the university, which was probably another 4 miles. I just remember exercising and being alone helped the pain.

I moved and got a job to pay for school. Calming down quite a bit created a better environment for me. I gained up to a comfortable range of 165-170 and I found a new love.

I gained up to 175 to 180. I felt like a whale, but knew I was minimally overweight. It helped my body confidence tremendously to see myself through his eyes. It was enlightening to follow his delighted eyes to my worst asset.

After I got married, I had an identity crisis. I lived in an unfamiliar part of town across the country from family. I wasn’t in school as I’d planned. I was paying for a house I hadn’t really wanted. Compromise was difficult. I had no idea who this person was with my first name and my social security number. I felt lost.

Things got better when I went back to school. But I soon got pregnant. We were elated, but I react badly to hormone surges. The weight packed on.

I don’t remember how much I gained. I blocked it out. It was too much. I was at 230 something when I gave birth. I lost about 30 pounds before I had Beansprout. I gained to around 230 again and lost that pesky 30 pounds again without too much work. Then, I got down to business.

Ten months later I was at my goal weight of 165 pounds. It took an hour of working out every single day and cutting out sugar. I also reduced my serving size and limited myself to one serving. I maintained it well for six months and got pregnant with Chickadee.

The pregnancy went well. I ended it at 217. That is less than I weighed at the beginning of this year. I made it down to 180 without trying. Lactiation postpartum is an awesome weightloss helper. Besides, losing weight restrictively is not recommended while lactating. I was happy. I thought another ten pounds once Chickadee weaned and I was good. 165 had been a little too high maintenance for me, and I wanted something I was capable of maintaining. I thought 170 was a good shot, and it was within healthy ranges.

I went crazy. Well, the sterile term is psychosis, but it sounds worse to me. Chickadee had undiagnosed Rett Syndrome and nobody believed me that there was anything wrong. I spent ten days in the hospital and left it fifteen pounds heavier. I tried to eat healthy when I got out of the hospital. I hoped it was water retention. But it wasn’t . This coupled with another ten pounds of weight gain in the first month afterward deepened my depression. I felt dead.

This is the first time I experienced the full blown chronic depression. It was hard to live one minute, let alone a day. My belief system has never made suicide sound like a way out. I’m amazed that I made it through that time-supervised as I was medically and personally-relatively unharmed and intact.

Chickadee only got worse. It was a terrible thing to watch. It still is. I did not get much beyond digging out to the surface. This is where the title for ‘alter ego’ came from. I was in survival mode. Going through the motions. Getting by.

It’s interesting what happened to my life while I was getting by. I found myself 50 odd pounds overweight. Feeding my family whatever took the least thought. Disengaged from society, from family. Trying not to disrupt the precarious balance of my chaos. Trying not to live too hard.

I woke up.

I realized Chickadee wasn’t getting better. Hospital day trips lasting 15 hours or more were simply a reality I had to deal with. Twelve to fourteen times a year. Chickadee might get worse. I have a handicapped child. We come with an entourage of 5 therapists weekly. She has seven specialists that have charts and tests and appointments.

I have two other children.

It’s hard to wake the slumbering giant. Especially if I’m not sure I can tame the beast. So, I slowly began to try. I can do little things. Tiny things. I didn’t know if they would make a difference, and quite frankly I didn’t care if they did. I just wanted to act.

I sew. Rather, I sewed. My dear Hubbend had been nudging me to get back to one of my old passions. So, over Christmas vacation he took the kids for an hour or so every day that week. I made myself a beautiful skirt that would flatter my curves. I had only a crappy ugly skirt to wear and it made me feel bad each time we went to church and I dragged it on.

I got excited about my skirt.

I bought the pattern in the biggest size it came in. I also cut it out a full size bigger than that. I’m just awesome that way and I know how. I knew that this pattern company runs small, but I wasn’t too concerned because I was making a skirt 4 full sizes bigger than my pants size at the time.

I couldn’t get the stupid thing on. Really.

After a lot of private tears in the bathroom, I came out of it to share a few embarrassed ones with Hubbend. It really ticked me off after a while. Hubbend saw how upset I was, that I was embarrassed as I told him I felt like we had both wasted our time during vacation. He suggested I just buy a new skirt.

That, my friends, is what we call a turning point. That skirt is my goal item. I’ve lost 28 pounds and it still doesn’t fit! It wasn’t just the skirt. I prayed. A lot. That helps me. I blogged. A lot. That saves me. But, it was little things and tiny changes.

It’s all I can handle. My plate is awful full. But, it doesn’t hurt to try. Even if it doesn’t work, even if it doesn’t fit it DOES
change my life.

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When I was at the Vegan Wedding, I decided to have this photo taken of me.

I remember thinking the following:

1. Wow I am tall
2. I look silly
3. I AM NOT AS FAT AS I THINK I AM
4. I HAVE A GREAT BODY SCREAMING TO BE LET OUT

I am tall. 5’10″ to be exact. I have weighed between 300+lbs to 168lbs+ in the past 10ish years. I am currently hovering around 200lbs+

What that photo really sparked in me was a desire..and TRUE DESIRE..to get fit. Now I have talked about this before and have never quiet seemed to get there. I would start with a hard and fast regime of working out to rebel against it and then quit. I have also struggled with food, bingeing, etc.

You see when I look at pictures of my past selves…..

I have realised that in my head I am either NOT wanting to be like I was …. OR trying to be like I was.

I don’t want to be the dieting, diet coke guzzling, sugar free eating 168lbs woman ever again . I’d like to fit back into the jeans I could…but to be honest..wanting to ‘be back where I was’ is stupid…but I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE!

I also don’t want to be 300lbs again. Because I am NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE. My desire to shut out the world to shove food in my face is gone.

So..that leaves me with..what do I want to be?

My answer: Balanced.

My mantra is: Eat to satisfy, Work your body hard, Rest your body well.

You see I could throw up 160lbs weight goal, 30 mile runs per week etc. And I may, after I get some sleep into me, some fitness goals and some measurement goals…but NOTHING to do with weight or punishment. Our bodies want to love us..give us more than we could ever imagine..we have to sleep it, feed it, work it.

So…the wedding taught me something. I am NOT as bad as I thought I was. AND…. I don’t want to live in the present to be something that I was in the past.

What about you….how do you manage your goals for yourself? In the future, present or past comparison?

~Mish

don’t forget about ‘The Silver Maple’ giveway. Gorgeous jewellery and it closes tomorrow morning!

Thanks for all of you how have e-mailed, FBed, g-chatted, Twittered and Blog commented about my going to hospital. Wasn’t all that scary, but it’s all sorted now.

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I started it with intense fervour.

In fact I “beat” Ryan the first two weeks…

Then I aced myself out “Wait, I have lost, more than him, I’ll gain for sure. He’ll come back and kick my butt.”

Then I stayed the same.

Gained

Gained again.

And the results: I am EXACTLY where I started.

I would normally

be pissed

realised that I did it to myself and I have no one else to blame

try to go back on a diet

be totally down on myself

realise that I WILL NEVER get to where I want to be

BUT…….

I am so thankful for all of the shit that I have processed in the past six weeks

I actually feel like I am starting to Fight to the Finish now

I am thankful that I have GAINED anything…I am EXACTLY where I started. Small.little.victories.

I have learned that my body wants to be fit…it’s my mind that needs to start fighting more

I feel like, in some weird twisted way, this is what I needed

Finding the place in your life where you actually say I WANT TO BE HEALTHY…INSTEAD of thin, x amt of lbs, in certain size of dress…is the moment…in my opinion…that you start to fight for the thing that means the most in life..your health.

I have always ALWAYS used weight, the scale, points, calories, exercise as punishment–tools–methods of getting somewhere that never made me happy. A number on a scale. I know that I have talked about this before and perhaps you loyal reader is thinking “Would this woman just stop talking about what she wants, and just and do it!!!”

I am. I am. I am.

So, Ryan, I give this to you. But I just want to say Thank You for sparking something inside of me that I needed…my own personal fire.

Why are you living the life that you’re living right now? What’s motivating you?

~Mish
Fighting Peacefully

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